and spring break 2011 is here

Ticket to Miami: $288

Sunshine Apparel:  $130

Swimsuits: $95

Vacation Condo: $187

Bikini Wax: $25

Spring Break 2011:  PRICELESS BITCH!!!!

So all the preparation to get here has been an ordeal between shopping, booking a rental, being on the watch for airline tickets, having to paint me own nails tragedy and whatever other little odds and ends.  But the literal flight over was actually completely relaxing considering the leg room, gingerale, a lovely nap, little reading time and of course the sight seeing from up above.  And of course one could imagine the extreme delight I experienced when I landed and felt the warm and humidity as I made my way through the gate and into Florida grounds.

Picked up from the airport, got the goods for the night, changed into what I would ultimately regret in the morning and with a little booze in the bloodstream headed off to the warehouse, I mean concentration camp, I mean Caribbean heat wave, I mean epic paint party lol.  So we go to this huge open warehouse with a zillion other people.  There is a huge station of disgusting open bar drink, where I couldn't seem to get the server's attention now make a solid drink choice either.  But to be absolutely honest it was pretty epic I must say.  The girls and I ran around the place where the overhead sprinklers were going on and off, people had bottles of paint, water guns full of water colors and pretty solid reggae jams.  All the dancing really helped sober me up while I was there but I went from the heat to the cold and then back to the heat made for a bit of a disaster.  I past out, which is a habit I thought I broke away from post high school but last night that was not the case. But I can surely recognize it was a good time overall.

Kind of feel like my writing was all over the place in this post, shall refocus and return later.  So much I need to get out in writing!

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from manic state to depressed

So in the past weekish or dos weeks my life has been seemingly out of control and I have no clue why??!?!!? umm wtf fml, really.  So like I spoke to him 9 days ago and the aftermath has been both good and bad (never simple, I know).  The baby sis came to visit and that was of course epic.  I had what I thought was a prego scare until I of course recalled that I am probably baren and soon after decided that Mr. Single Consonant is in fact an absolute ass hole.  Somehow I have let my school work fall to the wayside and even now I am in the lib painstakingly pretending to study while actually finding every possible distraction.  My dysfunctional family is cause enough to lead me to drink and yet instead I take to crying with what seems no end.  And ultimately I turned to my best friend in hopes of finding sanity, and luckily My Heart came through, as I once knew to be true always.  I am excited for spring break, Miami and seeing the bestie which has been absent physically since May.  And of course a week from today I will no longer appear to be a sickly pale skin, not like the way the Cullens are to my dismay.  These first lines should speak great volumes to my sense of instability and really it is simply the tip of the iceberg.

In all of the kaos that is my life I am still happy to be me and still always eager to see what the next page of my life book has in store.  I feel that in the last year the content page of my book and the subject index has grown rapidly and I love the unique features of my memoir. I think that in the last year I have become far more irrational and impulsive but I realize that it may be because I suppressed that element for so long. I was always mature for my age and though I doubt that has changed much, finally I have let my character bend to the inferences of my years.  The moral ambiguity that I let run the contemporary me are all actions that I am consciously aware of the potential outcomes and yet a still choose to follow such paths.  But to reassure those who care for me most, I hope that all can recognize my ability to balance out such actions with stability that creates a grounded individual. Since my reckless behavior started I have been more on top of my school work and I am working at being more on top of my health as well.

Currently I am trying to let the new aspects of my life be shaped by unexplored interests like meditation, film studies, exploration of sexuality and so on.  None the less I am still me and am trying to love every second of it or at least appreciate mostly every second.  And as the hourglass flips my life goes on.

its always him

November 27th 2010, that was the last time I spoke to him before last weekend.  I don't mean to over analyze the situation but why would he still insist this is just a break?  How can you not pick up the phone to speak to someone that you love in 13 weeks and somehow not think that we're over?  If I told myself this thing that we're doing or not doing, that is is a break, well that would be called delusional.  And should I be happy that you when he says "I always think about you" ??? Because the negative heart broken me thinks, well guess love doesn't really conquer all, does it?  And then I tell myself get real, hearing his voice makes my heart melt and I know that hearing him say he loves me gives me the confidence that I still matter to him.  I don't mean to over analyze it but this man has been my heart through and through since I was 15 years old.

him

Yesterday marked 13 weeks.  I called him inebriated.  He called me back and we talked for a while.  He called me this morning.  After 13weeks we spoke for the first time.  13 weeks and I missed him, I don't mean to but I do.  

hello motivation

I dont know what happened and when but finally I am back on trackI hello motivation, don't think I have seen you since, umm freshman year.  I think that too often in live we as humans become complacent, fine with little standards and light expectations.  And if this is not enough in itself, ill prioritizing does not help the matter any.  SO needless to say, for too long now I have been off track, allowing myself to be alright with normal and nothing exceeding.

I can recall the time my sophomore year of college and ironically enough my sophomore year of high school, where I just became disengaged. This last time I attribute it to mental exhaustion.  For whatever reason, it may have been that the work became too much, or my relationship was lacking or very much that I was missing something within myself, but I very much remember sort of just giving up.  Aware of the consequences of course, somehow the moment became all I was living for, and truth is those single moments were nothing to brag about in themselves.  And so I allowed myself to stay in that mindset, finding trivial things to make up for meaningful goals.  Similarly in 10th grade I allowed this to happen to myself, where then too, school work became a back burner to unimportant "at the moment" goals.  And finally I come across a moment, now, like I did then, that brought me back to the me that I am supposed to be.  I am far too driven of an individual with capability of far too much to waste a moment being fine with the mundane.

When I sit in the library on a Friday night even though I long for a nap and to be hanging with the besties, I realize that I am back on track.  It did take me a while to get here and I'm not sure why, but things have a way of working out as they should.  After a talk today with Professor Washington and networking opportunities coming at me from left and right, I have faith in the future again.  And this time it doesn't seem too distant and overtly abstract to pay attention to.  Hello Motivation, goodbye slacker.

friend zone woes: the logic

So my mind has made it perfectly clear that I did in fact have a major crush on Mr. Single Consonant.  Never what I intended nor did I think there was even a chance of it, buttttt it happened real fast and just as fast as it came in it went out.  I have been battling with insecurities about this man crush for over a month and a half now, sad, I know.  The ups and downs and highs and low have left me feeling a bit exhausted.  The thing is-- it was so fun at first and just kept getting better and better.  My next writing thought was to go into a detailed overview of what that fun entailed but what's the point in that?  I mean I can already relive it in my mind without effort, and while that makes me smile a bit to reminisce of the good times, it just ends up aggravating me that they ended so suddenly.

But here's the thing...  How can I be mad when I never wanted more?  How can I be mad when I don't want anyone to like me too much?  And how can I get mad when I do not want a boyfriend?  Well here's the "ah ha!" that I just realized...So you know when people take out their negative energy on the wrong person? (Yes) Well i think that the same can be done with positive vibes.  I mean, it may seem like positive energy cannot be taken out on the wrong person because why wouldn't I want to share it with any and everyone?  (I know, I know, buttttt...) The thing is that Mr. Consonant was kind of sweet I guess, in his ways (though later found to be falsified) but was he really dee-servvvv-ing of all the niceness I have inside? ...Answer: NO. I have those supreme qualities in me stored for the deserving, and truth is I have been wanting to give them to My Heart since September.  And really because I was never given the chance to let those qualities out, and direct them towards him, I just continued to build them up.  Then someone else came along and I directed them his way, shame.

So the thing is that I do want more, and I do want to be liked too much and I do want a boyfriend...the thing is I just want those things with My Heart, not the guy of the day. So it looks like the friend zone woes need to be reevaluated, because I don't even have the capacity to be anywhere else with Mr. Consonant, or any other man for that matter that isn't him.  And I am only just realizing that it may be selfish of me to long for him to feel a certain way because if he were too, and I couldn't return the feelings I would be bothered even more.

So cheers to friends, because I can always use one more.  And double cheers to finding my way back after losing sight.